Have you ever had pain during sex?
If you experience pain during sex or have experienced pain in sexual contact or penetration, you are not alone. This is very common amongst women. Maybe it has become worse over time and you don’t know why.
For this blog, I’m speaking about penetrative sex of any kind whether that penetration with a penis, with a toy or with your fingers.
I feel this topic of pain during sex is more common than not and although it is very normal, and my mission is to make this talk amongst women, about pain during sex normal and comfortable and for all women to feel safe to speak about it, I want this idea of pain during sex to eventually not be the norm.
However, to also know that, even after so much healing work and being sexually activated and confident, it is very common to have pain during sex. And the pain is not something to be ignored whether it is a little pain in sex or a sharp pain on penetration.
Disclaimer- I’m not a doctor, this is purely just for education.
If you experience pain or bleeding after sex or during, and it doesn’t feel normal for you, go and see an experienced health care provider ASAP.
Possible causes of pain during sex
1. Not being ready
I think this is the most common and yet one that is not spoken about.
What I see being common is we as women are not slowing down and really communicating with the yoni. We tend to penetrate before we are fully ready. It takes much longer than men to be aroused. And we require our hearts to be aroused before anything. The way to a woman’s arousal is through her heart.
It can take around 30-40 min for a woman to be fully aroused. And I’m not speaking about the orgasm. We can easily orgasm especially if there’s clitoris stimulation.
I am speaking about full body arousal. This is not the same thing as having an orgasm.
To be fully aroused means your whole body and blood is flowing and you are creating a natural juice and lubrication. You are fully engorged in your clitoral tissue. And we do this by warming ourselves up like an engine like when you are warming up the cold water in a pot. It takes time to heat the water over the stove.
It works the same for us.
So we can do this through activation- through breath, though touch and of course slowing down. Slowing down the breath and the touch.
In this way, our pleasures are activated.
I personally don’t believe in lubrication. I think it is something that was created to have faster penetration, again leading us women to feel like we don’t have what it takes to be fully aroused naturally. When you are fully aroused it makes penetration easier because you have more of a natural lubrication and it lifts the cervix out of the way. With the cervix lifted up and out of the way, penetration becomes easier and more enjoyable.
The way to know when I am fully aroused is when my partner goes in for full penetration and it feels easy. If there is any sort of friction or tightness or soreness, this is the sign or message from my body and yoni that you are not ready yet. And she is saying, let’s change it up and slow down.
Slow down the breathing.
Invite in more touch.
Asking yourself, am I not present right now?
It might even mean we need to pause for a while and I need to tune into what touch I am needing at the moment.
If you are feeling pain in the entrance of your vagina or when deep inside, these are all messages from your yoni and body. They are your best source of information and always speak to you.
2. Sexually transmitted infections
Sexually transmitted infections, like chlamydia or gonorrhea can be linked to pain during sex.They can also include yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis, which can both develop on their own or be sexually transmitted, and they can cause pain during sex.
Something I also recommend is to look at all the products with toxic chemicals that you use for your yoni.
I invite you to get rid of all the products with toxic chemicals that you particularly use for your yoni. Whether it’s your pad, your tampons, hygiene products that you use for your vagina/yoni.
I always say, If you don’t eat it, then there is no need to put it on your body. Unless you have to. Because your vagina tissue is the most sensitive tissue of your body.
Most of our feminine hygiene products contain chlorine, perfumes, fragrances, and these relate to dryness. And they can cause dry and flakey skin. It disrupts the natural ecosystem of our yoni and can cause yeast infections and irritations.
You see, our body does not know how to process all these chemicals and things that are not natural and so it causes a build up. And if there’s build up it causes discomfort or pain on penetration.
So I invite you to look at your yoni and look at the chemicals used in products you may be using.
If you think you may have an infection of any kind, see your primary health care provider as soon as possible to protect yourself and your partner(s) from contracting them, too.
3. Tightness in the pelvic floor
You can feel this tightness when you are about to penetrate, even when you insert your fingers in your vagina , or you might feel the tightness or pain when going to the bathroom.
So What has been your relationship with your pelvic floor? Your womb?
I didn’t know about this until I started my journey of sacred sexuality.
1 in 3 women are at risk of pelvic floor dysfunction.
The pelvic floor has more than 16 muscles weaved together to form a big bowl on your lower back of your body. That’s why in ancient traditions it is called the seat of feminine wisdom.
Basic functions of this part of the body are: digestion, reproduction, breathing but most important balance. It brings a healthy hormonal balance in women. Which is why as we age, it is important we begin to pay attention to the stiffness and stuckness there.
When you feel stiffness around your pelvic floor, hips and lower back, it would mean there may be stuckness with your emotions too. There are repressed emotions in you wanting to come through and be moved- either it’s not given space or you don’t have the understanding to bring it up and work with it.
So the pelvic floor that is under stress can make you feel emotionally unbalanced or ungrounded. This can happen when you are feeling a lot of stress in your life, or when there is a lot going on and you are going from one thing to another, rushing here and there and staying in the mind trying to figure everything out.
So we go into adrenaline mode. And when we are in this state too long- it affects us in many ways. The pelvic floor holds a lot of stress and therefore a depletion of certain hormones.
It’s very important for us to cultivate a conscious relationship with this bowl, the seat of feminine of our body.
Inside my Feminine Remembrance: Come Home To Yourself 10 week program, we actually engage in a yoni de armouring to really understand the anatomy of our yoni and sensuality and what can be causing tightness.
4. Hormonal changes
Hormonal changes that happen in perimenopause, menopause can impact your experience in sex also.
Our hormones, like estrogen, have an impact on the plumpness of our tissues and determine how wet the vagina is. You will feel different depending on which phase you are in your menstrual cycle.
Estrogen is the dominant sex hormone in women and most of its production takes place in the ovaries, so as ovarian activity slows and stops, causing perimenopause and menopause, and therefore with the dropping levels, it causes changes.
While the menopause experience is quite variable, many women experience vaginal atrophy, which causes changes to the vaginal tissue, such as thinning of the vulva and vaginal lining. Therefore there might be less natural lubrication even with arousal. This can lead to increased friction during intimate contact which can cause discomfort or even burning pain.
Research suggests that hormone levels that fluctuate can change the way your body perceives pain. This means you may feel discomfort and pain more severely when estrogen is at low levels than when it’s at peak levels.
We have as a culture normalized painful sex instead of knowing your body to have delicious beautiful sex. Going slow, feeling relaxed in the body, staying hydrated and eating nourishing foods can be what is needed.
There will be phases of your cycle where you will be feeling more turned on than other moments. So it is important to know yourself and your body, so nothing feels forceful and the experience of sex is pleasurable.
5. Not having a loving relationship with your yoni
What is the relationship with your yoni or your vagina?
Are you communicating with her?
Have you looked at her?
Believe me when you have a loving relationship with her and offer her the admiration and living touch by you, she will continue to welcome pleasure and your lover in.
She will want to invite him in. But the relationship has to start with you. I’m speaking about really knowing her. Getting up and personal with your vagina. Getting to know her like your best friend.
Most women who come to me, tell me they have never even looked at their vagina. Or even thought about their vulva as this magical place for accessing their feminine power.
Your vulva which contains the inner and outer lips, your labia. All of which are different shapes sizes and colors.
Not one is the same. I always say we all come with our own scent and shape and this is the same for our yoni, your labia, your vulva. All of which represents your unique radiant beautiful self.
The labia or your lip on the outside of the genitals (vulva) which protect the clitoris, vagina and urethra, become engorged during sexual activity. They are full of nerve tissue and collaborate with clitorial tissue to offer deep, powerful, orgasmic pleasure.
It is a beautiful place to access so much power and pleasure and yet we live in a system that manipulates women into thinking that they are not beautiful and they have to altar themselves in a way to fit into this false idea that they have created. When we don’t have this loving relationship with all that is there, that of our universe, we may not be experiencing the full body orgasms that we all desire.
So let me ask you, what is the relationship with your yoni?
In Feminine Remembrance: Come Home To Yourself, the 10 week Group program, we devote one whole module in exploring your Yoniverse. We awaken to the power of pleasure through the yoni. This is such a profound and transformative experience.
To begin this journey of exploring the connection and developing a relationship with your yoni. I invite you to sign up my FREE 7 day Program Erotic Woman Embodiment. This is a program filled with tangible, feminine embodiment practices that build upon one another for you to develop the most loving relationship with your body, your feminine, your yoni, your self.
Sign up it’s FREE.